First Time Around the Block

Last spring we finally took the plunge and got going with social services to become foster parents. We had been talking about it since before we were married and with my wife moving out of the Special Needs field and becoming a receptionist we figured it was something we could finally handle both financially and emotionally.

They started us off in an 18 hour introductory course and by the time we were finished it I was convinced that being foster parents was way more than we could handle, especially since I'm still a kid and didn't want to give up all my play time. We finished the course and then began our home study. That was hours and hours of interviewing and months of time to do all the paper work but before we were even finished they were telling us that they had us on the board for new placements. We were approved sometime around the end of June and figured we'd better get our house ship shape just in case.

So, we bought a pair of twin beds and put them upstairs. Then we had loads of company for a few weeks and realized that our little Chevy Cavalier was just not working anymore. Especially with my brother living with us and playing in my band. It all came to a head one Sunday when we had to make two trips to get all our guitars, amps and other gear to church and then come back for my wife. Conveniently she works at a car dealership and they had a Pontiac Montana on the lot. So we traded the car for it and thought we had tons of room now. In fact, I had so much room I traded my small bass amp (35 lbs and 200 watts) for a big one (110 lbs and 500 watts). It fit perfectly in the back of the van with room for my bass and all of my brother's guitars and amps and there was still room left over for my wife!

Then on Thursday, August 12, we got a call from social services. They had just taken three children into custody and had no emergency homes available. They knew that we only had one room and two beds but were desparate for a place to take these kids. When they asked me if we could take three kids I was going to say no but held my tongue and listened to the details. After I heard why they were being taken into care I couldn't say no and that afternoon we picked up three siblings, an 8 year old boy, a 4 1/2 year old girl, and another girl who was almost 3.

Now, I've always known that its hard to have a baby and adjust your lifestyle. Your sleep gets disrupted, doing anything spur of the moment is virtually impossible and life generally revolves around the baby. We've watched almost all of our friends go through it time and time again. First one kid, then again with two and for some, again with three. Well, let me just say that watching other people does nothing to prepare you for kids. Neither does helping them out from time to time or even babysitting overnight. Nothing at all.

We went from sitting on the couch wondering what to eat and choosing which movie we were going to watch that night and planning our weekend to full tilt parenting in one hour. The first night we got the kids into bed by around 10:00 and then sat on the couch looking at each other. It was only a few hours of looking after the kids and already we were bushed. My wife was able to get Friday off work but it was too short notice for me (even though I'm the boss) so the kids stayed with her all day. The challenge that evening was to take them shopping for clothes and stock up on kid food. They had arrived with a small knapsack that had stuffed animals and blankets in it but no clothes other than what they were wearing. We had been told that was pretty typical in our introduction course but what they left out was how fussy kids are about what they are willing to wear.

So life changed in a heart beat. By the end of the first weekend we were ready to call social services up and tell them to come get the kids. We had no idea what we had signed up for and somehow this just wasn't what we had imagined. But we also knew that this we couldn't give up that easily. Our conversation on Sunday night pretty much revolved around all the other families we had seen that morning at church: "They've figured out how to do it with 2, 3, 4, 5 kids so obviously its possible." We decided that we weren't going to give up no matter how hard it was.

Something that I have been learning over the past year is that I am not a product of my environment. If its raining, I can choose to be happy anyway or miserable in the rain. If its stressful at work I can choose to let it get to me or make the best or difficult situations. If supper is burnt, I can choose to make faces and grimace while choking it down or just choke it down. The point is that I can always choose and if I let someone else choose for me then I am giving them power over me.

When we decided giving up wasn't an option we chose to make the best of this change and that if our home was really to be safe and healthier than the home the kids had been removed from then we had to be the ones to make it that way. It got a lot easier right after that. We started to think creatively and figure out how we could help these kids grieve over not being with their parents while helping them understand that this was a Good Thing. As we did so, we could begin to see how God has been preparing us over the past 10 years for exactly this. Especially my wife. Her experience accumulated since high school with disabled children, their families, the school system and the foster system all came together to help her become a mom overnight.

So, next thing you know, it was Sunday again. We packed the kids up and took them to Church and had a great day. That night we looked at each other and thought, "you know, its a lot of work, but we're starting to get the hang of this." It was cool. On Wednesday of our second week we were talking about how long we might have the kids and how we would handle school for the oldest one and pre-school for the younger two. Whether we should move the oldest downstairs into his own room and whether or not we should buy an old truck so that we didn't have to share the van. We still didn't know how long we'd have the kids for but all the indications from social services was that it would be for awhile.

Then Thursday came and the case went before the judge. He ruled that the kids could go back to their parents provided that they were supervised 24x7 by the grandparents. I was told the decsion at 3:15 and by 4:30 the kids were gone.

When our company in June had been here for a week with their beautiful little girls I grew to love them and enjoy coming home from work to see them. When they left though, things went back to normal and I didn't miss them even a little. The same when my brother and his wife brought my nephews to visit a week later.

We had our foster kids for exactly two weeks and yet I can't begin to describe the sense of loss that I have felt every moment of every day since then. I can see their faces clearly, I can hear their voices. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't stop crying. I love those kids. Two weeks and I love those kids so much that its tearing me up to not have them. I hope with all my heart that what I'm feeling right now is only 1/100th of what the parents felt when their kids were taken away. I hope it hurt them so deeply that they will never have a waking moment when they won't regret the choices they made to neglect their children. I hope that for the rest of their lives they will remember that pain, the pain they caused their kids, the pain they caused my wife and I.

I will be forever greatful that we could be there for those kids. That we could love them for a time. That we could teach them how to pray. That we could get rid of their nightmares. That we could take care of them. That we could show them what it felt like to be loved.

And I hope that when we get the next call, we'll be able to do it all over again.

Habbit Five

People who know me well will tell you that I talk a lot. In fact, I can dominate conversations for hours assuming they're on my favorite topics. Some people may even tell you that I'm arrogant or a know-it-all.

They might be right.

One of the things that I have learned recently comes from Stephen R. Covey. In his book The 7 Habbits of Highly Effective People he introduces the 5th habbit: Seek first to understand, then be understood. Its pretty simple really. When you're in a relationship with someone, they need to be able to express themselves and be heard. Once they feel like you have listened to them and uderstand what they are saying, they will be a lot more receptive to listen to you and understand you. There's a little more to it than that but in a nutshell, if you care more about the person you're talking to than about "getting your point across" then the understanding comes easily.

This has become especially important to me lately as I now have my youngest brother living with me. He's a good kid and very happy to have him here. The thing is that I don't really know him. When I moved out of the house he was only 8 years old and I haven't had a lot of contact with him since. Now he's here full time and while so far there have been no problems, I'm actually worried about him. He doesn't have a job and he doesn't appear motivated to get one. On the one hand I'm jealous because I'd love to take a couple of months off from life but on the other hand I'm worried about him because I know its not healthly to sit alone all day doing nothing but watching TV and playing games.

Where this gets complicated is the whole Seek First to Understand bit... I want to understand what he's going through and know what he's thinking. The problem comes in that he doesn't talk much. Now people that know him will tell you that he talks a lot. That he can dominate conversations on his favorite topics and yes, that he's even a bit arrogant. (Sound familiar?) He just doesn't talk to me. I'm trying hard to understand him but I'm having a hard time finding ways to draw him out.

We do have a number of things in common; we like movies, reading fiction and we love computer games. We even sang in the same Choir/Drama team in high school (albeit 10 years apart!) Its not hard to find ways to spend time with him and one of the most rewarding aspects of having him here is that we play on worship teams at church together and in a jazz band together.

I guess I just don't know how to talk to him. I feel that in some ways I've been his hero and that now that he's living here and seeing the real me I've let him down. Somewhere there are uncommunicated expectations that aren't being met. Maybe I have some uncommunicated expectations of him too.

For my part, I'm going to keep trying to get to know him and to become friends. Hopefully he'll try too and despite our personalities maybe we can grow a relationship that will take us beyond simply being brothers.

Its about time...

I've been on the net for almost 10 years now and I figured its about time I get on board with this blogging stuff. 

Does that mean I actually have anything interesting to say?  Not really... I'm just following the crowd.  Now, don't lump me in with your typical mob mentality types.  I do think for myself and make my own decisions and I'm finally at the place where I think I'm ready to unleash my opinion on the world.  Blogger.com just provided the most convenient interface with which to do it.

So, cover your eyes!  Here comes Cyberfloatie!