People who know me well will tell you that I talk a lot. In fact, I can dominate conversations for hours assuming they're on my favorite topics. Some people may even tell you that I'm arrogant or a know-it-all.
They might be right.
One of the things that I have learned recently comes from Stephen R. Covey. In his book The 7 Habbits of Highly Effective People he introduces the 5th habbit: Seek first to understand, then be understood. Its pretty simple really. When you're in a relationship with someone, they need to be able to express themselves and be heard. Once they feel like you have listened to them and uderstand what they are saying, they will be a lot more receptive to listen to you and understand you. There's a little more to it than that but in a nutshell, if you care more about the person you're talking to than about "getting your point across" then the understanding comes easily.
This has become especially important to me lately as I now have my youngest brother living with me. He's a good kid and very happy to have him here. The thing is that I don't really know him. When I moved out of the house he was only 8 years old and I haven't had a lot of contact with him since. Now he's here full time and while so far there have been no problems, I'm actually worried about him. He doesn't have a job and he doesn't appear motivated to get one. On the one hand I'm jealous because I'd love to take a couple of months off from life but on the other hand I'm worried about him because I know its not healthly to sit alone all day doing nothing but watching TV and playing games.
Where this gets complicated is the whole Seek First to Understand bit... I want to understand what he's going through and know what he's thinking. The problem comes in that he doesn't talk much. Now people that know him will tell you that he talks a lot. That he can dominate conversations on his favorite topics and yes, that he's even a bit arrogant. (Sound familiar?) He just doesn't talk to me. I'm trying hard to understand him but I'm having a hard time finding ways to draw him out.
We do have a number of things in common; we like movies, reading fiction and we love computer games. We even sang in the same Choir/Drama team in high school (albeit 10 years apart!) Its not hard to find ways to spend time with him and one of the most rewarding aspects of having him here is that we play on worship teams at church together and in a jazz band together.
I guess I just don't know how to talk to him. I feel that in some ways I've been his hero and that now that he's living here and seeing the real me I've let him down. Somewhere there are uncommunicated expectations that aren't being met. Maybe I have some uncommunicated expectations of him too.
For my part, I'm going to keep trying to get to know him and to become friends. Hopefully he'll try too and despite our personalities maybe we can grow a relationship that will take us beyond simply being brothers.
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