The Reality of Abuse

Over the past month or so my wife and I have been attending classes that are required training for foster parenting. When we first started the classes I was a little bitter about having to give up so much of my time in order to attend. After all, I am a busy person and it should be enough that I'm opening my home to these children. I don't need to sit in hours upon hours of government required training to do this.

The first class was a meet the instructor combined with a course overview. There was no uncomfortable role playing or sharing of deep dark secrets, just introductions to the rest of the class and some information about why the training is required and what we can expect to learn. At one point we went around the room and each of us introduced the person next to us (having previously given a few minutes to find out what was interesting about them). I'm normally pretty introverted when amongst strangers and this time was no different. I ended up having to go first but that just meant I didn't have to mull over what I was going to say while waiting for my turn.

As we went around the room we found that most of the people had been fostering for a few months to a few years. (This makes sense since we are required to complete all the training with in the first two years of our contract.) All except one older gentleman by the name of Mike. Mike had been fostering for about 20 years and had just accepted the 149th child into his home.

I don't think I was the only one who had to pick my jaw up off the floor. One Hundred and Forty Nine Children. Of course, my first thought was, if you've had so many kids... why do you have to take this class? After we got over the initial shock, we listened to his story as he elaborated on his experience as a foster parent. Once he was done the instructor pointed out that having Mike in the class was going to be great. No kidding!

Anyway, today we got three hours past the halfway mark which is a nice feeling. Its not exactly down hill from here, but its good to know that we're making steady progress. A lot of the material we have had to cover has been heart breaking but today was the hardest. Today was about The Causes and Effects of Abuse and Neglect.

I knew that becoming a foster parent meant that we would encounter children who had suffered abuse at the hands of adults or older siblings but today my eyes were opened a lot more to the reality thats out there. There... look at that! I just wrote "out there" when the reality is that its right here. As we covered what abusive behaviors looked like I was shocked as I realized that I am guilty of abusive behaviors right within my own home!

The seriousness of that hit me like a ton of bricks. I am someone who has chosen to give of my time, energy and money to care for children who have been removed from their homes and yet I have exhibited some of the abusive behaviors that lead to children being removed in the first place! How could I possibly view myself as a safe caregiver?

As the class continued and I thought about it some more, I realized a few things. First, the potential to abuse is within all of us. The example of this comes is one of the most horrific forms of abuse imaginable and yet anyone who has had children will know exactly what it is: Shaken Baby Syndrome. Shaking occurs frequently when a frustrated caregiver loses control with an inconsolable crying baby. Even the most loving and caring fathers and mothers have breaking points. If they haven't accepted that its okay for their child to cry once all their needs have been met, they will be driven to that flashpoint and without a plan and support system in place they can go over the edge and seriously harm their child.

The next realization that I had about myself and my abusive behaviors is that many forms of abuse are not perpetrated consciously or intentionally but are the result of inadequate coping skills and mechanisms. If we look again at SBS the key to preventing it is education and preparation. If a caregiver does not know about SBS or that allowing their baby to cry is okay, how will they know what to do when it happens? When caregivers are educated about SBS they are taught that when they feel themselves getting close to the breaking point, they need to ensure the baby's safety and then walk away or call for help. By learning in advance what can happen and what to do, they have the opportunity to make arrangements to have trusted family members, friends or even neighbors care for thier child when they need a break. Simply put, education gives them the tools and mechanisms to cope and consequently prevents abuse.

As I sat through the remainder of the class I paid close attention to everything that was said, searching for the piece of information that would justify my past actions. That bit that I could hang onto and say, "See, I'm not like them." At first I thought that maybe since I didn't know I was being abusive maybe it "didn't count". But then I thought, what if the parent of a foster child said the same thing... Would I accept that? Not a chance! My next thought was that maybe it happened long enough ago that it would be forgotten and I that could pretend it never happened. As the class progressed and we talked more about the long term effects of abuse the guilt overwhelmed me and I realized that I couldn't live with myself if I just pretended it never happened.

By the end of the class today, I had realized one last thing. Abuse is always wrong and can never be undone. There is no way I can justify my past actions.

I don't think any parent starts out intending to hurt their child. Abuse happens when they... sorry... when I am unable to cope and fail to remove myself from the situation before I lose control. I have work to do in order to learn that and apply it within my life but I think that is the key. Through this foster parenting course, that I didn't want to take, I have learned about the potential I have to do harm. I have also learned about the potential I have to do good.

I now have before me two choices: I can delete this entire blog entry and hope no one ever discovers the miserable coward I am inside, OR, I can go to the person I harmed, acknowledge my actions, ask their forgiveness and then begin earning their trust and respect.

A Couple Cool Floaties

So, when I originally started this blog, it was my intention to point out the cool places on the net that I stumble across. I haven't actually done this yet but in the last few days of trying not to work, I've come across a couple sites that I just had to share.

This first site took me back all the way to my elementary school years when part of the science grade was based on participation in a science fair. One year my exhibit was based on optical illusions. If I recall correctly, I placed in the top three that year. Anyway, Michael Bach has created a site containing 59 optical illusions ranging from simple to complex. Several of them are the same illusions I used for my science fair project. It brought back a lot of cool memories, but even cooler, now I actually understand the explanations! If you're into playing tricks on your eyes, then definitely check it out: http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/

In my Getting to Know Me post I listed five things I want to do before I die. Ironically I had a tough time at first coming up with five things, so I put a couple of dumb ones in there just so I could move on. (Normally I'm not that sequential, but when things are numbered, my OC side takes over and I can't help myself.) Then a few days later I stumbled 43 Things. In a nutshell, its a To Do list for your life. The cool thing is that your list is shared with every other user on the site allowing you to hook up with other people who want to do the same things as you. If you haven't given much thought to your life goals lately, take a few minutes now and head over there. I guarantee you that a few minutes there will do you a lot more good than reading my blog ever will. Take a look: http://www.43things.com/

And one final note. Today is my 31st birthday. I always had a goal of becoming a game programmer by the time I was 30. Well, now that I'm 31 I have to admit that I didn't achieve that particular goal. On the other hand, I'm at a very good place in my life with a lot of things going right and the rest is steadily getting better. So, happy birthday to me!

Getting to Know Me

My brother over at Stuff About the Small Stuff put me up to this... Normally I just bin these things but since I've never seen it done on a blog before (I don't read any that aren't linked from this page unless they're related to programming. :p )

So, like the clone you know I am, here goes...

Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1. Build a free standing recording studio with my two brothers. (And not just a converted garage either!)
2. Contribute substantial amounts of code to an Open Source project.
3. Take my wife somewhere outside of North America. Like New Zealand or Australia.
4. Get Paid to Play my Bass.
5. Hook my brain to a computer so I can surf the internet while I sleep!

Things I Can Do
1. Write complex, multi-threaded software that runs in parallel across multiple servers.
2. Play bass with heart, soul, rhythm and a little bit of finesse.
3. Love my wife until I die.
4. Watch all six episodes of Star Wars back to back.
5. Mow the grass. (Just becaues I can doesn't mean I will!)

Things I Cannot Do
1. Shave every day.
2. Sleep through the incessant yapping of our neighbor's dog.
3. Play DOA Extreme Beach Volleyball (Not because I don't want to. ;)
4. Write poetry.
5. Eat seafood.

Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex (In no particular order!!!)
1. Boobs. (Hey! I'm being honest!)
2. Red Hair (Brunette is good too)
3. Character, Integrity, Morals.
4. Great sense of humor
5. Intelligence

Celebrity Crushes (I know these are going to get me into trouble!)
1. Rachael Leigh Cook
2. Angelina Jolie
3. Whoopi Goldberg
4. Rhona Mitra
5. Julia Ormond

People I Want To Do This Next
1. Lee
2. Braden
3. Lance
4. Jeremy
5. Charmaine

Crawling in my Living Room

Anybody know what this is? My wife was pretty freaked out by it. I killed it, but then I was creeped out so she had to clean it up. We make a great team that way.

NOTE (2005-10-07): On my 17" monitor, that picture is slightly larger than actual size. Only slightly.

The Business of Life

The frequency of my blogging has slowed dramatically over the past few months, not that I was ever all that frequent before, its just a lot worse now. There are many reasons, and not a few excuses, but the reality is that I'm much busier than before and simply haven't made writing a priority. The sad thing is that I get a lot more enjoyment out of writing than I do from many of the other things that occupy my time.

Today I decided that it was time to write again. So I sat down and wrote some software. Wait! Don't glaze over! The sofatware was nothing special, just some minor enhancements for an online photo album. The thing is that writing software is a good outlet for me. I get to exercise my creativity and problem solving skills while apply them to projects that I find interesting and challenging. I think its that last bit that makes it rewarding and refreshing.

Think about your week. When was the last time you sat down and did something you wanted to for a few hours? Did you enjoy yourself? Was it rewarding? If you answered yes to either of those, then for most people, chances are you weren't doing anything related to your normal job.

That's where the business of life comes in. We all need to survive. That means meeting our basic needs for food, shelter and clothing and then looking to our safety and security. Unfortunately thats where it ends for far too many people. They get so caught up with just making ends meet that they miss out on the rest of life's offerings.

The real trick is to find work that generates enough income to meet your needs but doesn't leave you too drained at the end of the day to enjoy the few hours you have left over after you factor in personal care, transportation, eating and sleeping. Of course, if you can do that, then the question is, is it still work?

I guess that's where I'm lucky. Monday through Friday I work as a Software Developer. That means that of the time I'm at work, about 65% of my time is spent doing one of the activities I love the most: Programming. On top of that, I get to work with people who I really like and who are also passionate about programming. I still come home tired at the end of the day, (being creative and problem solving are heavy lifting for the brain) but I'm often happy with what I accomplished and can looking forward to the next day's activities.

Now, if I could just come up with a way to make money while I was sleeping!