The Reality of Abuse

Over the past month or so my wife and I have been attending classes that are required training for foster parenting. When we first started the classes I was a little bitter about having to give up so much of my time in order to attend. After all, I am a busy person and it should be enough that I'm opening my home to these children. I don't need to sit in hours upon hours of government required training to do this.

The first class was a meet the instructor combined with a course overview. There was no uncomfortable role playing or sharing of deep dark secrets, just introductions to the rest of the class and some information about why the training is required and what we can expect to learn. At one point we went around the room and each of us introduced the person next to us (having previously given a few minutes to find out what was interesting about them). I'm normally pretty introverted when amongst strangers and this time was no different. I ended up having to go first but that just meant I didn't have to mull over what I was going to say while waiting for my turn.

As we went around the room we found that most of the people had been fostering for a few months to a few years. (This makes sense since we are required to complete all the training with in the first two years of our contract.) All except one older gentleman by the name of Mike. Mike had been fostering for about 20 years and had just accepted the 149th child into his home.

I don't think I was the only one who had to pick my jaw up off the floor. One Hundred and Forty Nine Children. Of course, my first thought was, if you've had so many kids... why do you have to take this class? After we got over the initial shock, we listened to his story as he elaborated on his experience as a foster parent. Once he was done the instructor pointed out that having Mike in the class was going to be great. No kidding!

Anyway, today we got three hours past the halfway mark which is a nice feeling. Its not exactly down hill from here, but its good to know that we're making steady progress. A lot of the material we have had to cover has been heart breaking but today was the hardest. Today was about The Causes and Effects of Abuse and Neglect.

I knew that becoming a foster parent meant that we would encounter children who had suffered abuse at the hands of adults or older siblings but today my eyes were opened a lot more to the reality thats out there. There... look at that! I just wrote "out there" when the reality is that its right here. As we covered what abusive behaviors looked like I was shocked as I realized that I am guilty of abusive behaviors right within my own home!

The seriousness of that hit me like a ton of bricks. I am someone who has chosen to give of my time, energy and money to care for children who have been removed from their homes and yet I have exhibited some of the abusive behaviors that lead to children being removed in the first place! How could I possibly view myself as a safe caregiver?

As the class continued and I thought about it some more, I realized a few things. First, the potential to abuse is within all of us. The example of this comes is one of the most horrific forms of abuse imaginable and yet anyone who has had children will know exactly what it is: Shaken Baby Syndrome. Shaking occurs frequently when a frustrated caregiver loses control with an inconsolable crying baby. Even the most loving and caring fathers and mothers have breaking points. If they haven't accepted that its okay for their child to cry once all their needs have been met, they will be driven to that flashpoint and without a plan and support system in place they can go over the edge and seriously harm their child.

The next realization that I had about myself and my abusive behaviors is that many forms of abuse are not perpetrated consciously or intentionally but are the result of inadequate coping skills and mechanisms. If we look again at SBS the key to preventing it is education and preparation. If a caregiver does not know about SBS or that allowing their baby to cry is okay, how will they know what to do when it happens? When caregivers are educated about SBS they are taught that when they feel themselves getting close to the breaking point, they need to ensure the baby's safety and then walk away or call for help. By learning in advance what can happen and what to do, they have the opportunity to make arrangements to have trusted family members, friends or even neighbors care for thier child when they need a break. Simply put, education gives them the tools and mechanisms to cope and consequently prevents abuse.

As I sat through the remainder of the class I paid close attention to everything that was said, searching for the piece of information that would justify my past actions. That bit that I could hang onto and say, "See, I'm not like them." At first I thought that maybe since I didn't know I was being abusive maybe it "didn't count". But then I thought, what if the parent of a foster child said the same thing... Would I accept that? Not a chance! My next thought was that maybe it happened long enough ago that it would be forgotten and I that could pretend it never happened. As the class progressed and we talked more about the long term effects of abuse the guilt overwhelmed me and I realized that I couldn't live with myself if I just pretended it never happened.

By the end of the class today, I had realized one last thing. Abuse is always wrong and can never be undone. There is no way I can justify my past actions.

I don't think any parent starts out intending to hurt their child. Abuse happens when they... sorry... when I am unable to cope and fail to remove myself from the situation before I lose control. I have work to do in order to learn that and apply it within my life but I think that is the key. Through this foster parenting course, that I didn't want to take, I have learned about the potential I have to do harm. I have also learned about the potential I have to do good.

I now have before me two choices: I can delete this entire blog entry and hope no one ever discovers the miserable coward I am inside, OR, I can go to the person I harmed, acknowledge my actions, ask their forgiveness and then begin earning their trust and respect.